Candy Kirby
21. North West
Son of: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
At least she’ll always know where she is on a map.
20. Kal-El
Son of: Nicolas Cage
A, um, enthusiast of comic books, Nic bestowed his son with Superman’s Kryptonian name. Thank goodness Nic didn’t go with Superman’s everyday name, Clark. Now that would be have been just crazy.
19. Jermajesty
Son of: Jermaine Jackson
Sounds more like the name of a failed hip-hop album than a child.
P.S. — “Jerm” for short?
18. Fifi Trixibelle
Daughter of: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
The Irish singer and songwriter Geldof named his daughter Fifi after his aunt, and his wife was fascinated with the lifestyles of southern belles, hence the last part. None of which explains Trixi… although I am sensing a strong canine motif.
17. Apple Blythe Alison
Daughter of: Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
As Gwyneth explained on Oprah:
“Right, well, um, basically it was because when we were first pregnant, her daddy said, if it’s, basically one day he just said if it’s a girl I think her name should be Apple. And I just, it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me, you know apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome, and it’s biblical and it’s just, they’re so, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and …”
Translation: Trust us, the name sounds MUCH cuter after a few bottles of wine.
16. Ptolemy John
Son of: Gretchen Mol
There’s nothing at ALL pretentious about picking the unpronounceable name of an ancient Greek scientist.
Yup, time to go by your middle name, kid.
Speaking of “kid”…
15. Kyd Miller
Son of: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
One word: Sylly.
14. Seargeoh Cope and Sage Moonblood
Sons of: Sylvester Stallone
Thankfully, their father has plenty of money to cover the years of therapy bills.
13. Zuma Nesta Rock
Son of: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
Sure, “Zuma” is the name of a beach in a Malibu. That’s nice. But it’s also a computer game with deadly stone frogs. And the diminutive form of a term for a bad gastrointestinal condition. And, for anyone who remembers the early ’90s, a much-mocked malt beverage. No, wait: that was Zima.
12. Bronx Mowgli
Son of: Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson
Presumably named after the place of conception and The Jungle Book character, I’m thinking of following the same naming formula with MY next kid: Malibu Baloo.
11. Memphis Eve
Daughter of: Bono
“‘Twas the night before Memphis…”
10. Princess Tiaamii
Daughter of: Katie “Jordan” Price
Someday this little girl will realize she is not in fact a princess, and all the extra vowels in the world won’t be able to cushion the blow. (Maybe she can lend one of her “i”s to Kyd Duchovny.)
9. King Justice
Son of: Jaceon (The Game) Taylor
Certain celebrities have taken the idea of show biz royalty way too literally. Now King Justice Taylor can lord it over Princes Michael Jackson I and II, Princess Tiaamii Andre, Barron Trump, Duke Keaton and Count and Countess Bonaduce, whenever he decrees a regal play date.
8. Rebel, Racer, Rocket and Rogue
Sons of: Robert Rodriguez
Really, Robert…? Ridiculous.
7. Blue Angel
Daughter of: The Edge (From U2)
See also: Good names for lounges in New Orleans.
6. Audio Science
Son of: Actress Shannyn Sossamon
Although Shannyn Sossamon barely qualifies as a celebrity, she forces her way onto this list with this truly bizarre name.
We learn with this entry that the only thing sadder than a pretentious baby name is a failed attempt at a pretentious baby name that ends up sounding like the name of a class at a Vo-Tech school.
5. Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin
Children of: Frank Zappa
This is only a sampling of Frank’s famously strange name choices for his children (he named his other kids Dweezil and Ahmet); however, I MUST ask… “Thin Muffin”: Isn’t that an oxymoron?
4. Pirate Houseman
Son of: Korn frontman Jonathan Davis and porn-star wife Deven
There’s probably no better way to guarantee that your child become an accountant than to name him “Pirate.”
3. Moxie Crimefighter
Daughter of: Penn Jillette
Apparently, Jillette’s wife had no middle name, and their theory was that you never use the middle name, anyway, so why not have some fun with it? Also, the child will need moxie with that kind of f*cked up middle name, so… there you go.
2. Tu Morrow
Son of: Rob Morrow (from the TV show Numb3rs)
This name HAS to be the product of too many pre-conception pitchers of margaritas.
1. Pilot Inspektor
Son of: Jason Lee
Why “Pilot?” Because he heard a song by the band Grandaddy (called “He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot”). Why “Inspektor”? Well, what ELSE would you pair with “Pilot”? Duh.
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