10 Reasons Why Balloons Are the Bane of a Parent’s Existence

Ah, balloons. So colorful! So celebratory! So…much of a pain in my butt. Here are 10 reasons why I have grown to detest balloons since becoming a parent:

10. Fun fact: Kids are not the most gentle beings on Earth. Therefore, balloons often POP in their faces, causing terrified screams, meltdowns and nightmares — for us parents, that is.

9. Children often whine that the string is too tight around their wrists. And if it’s not too tight…

8. Then it’s too loose, causing the balloon to slip away FOREVER, thereby crushing your child’s spirit and, frankly, her ENTIRE LIFE. (“Why do you think Skye’s SAT score was so low, Candy?” “Well, I attribute it to that Hello Kitty balloon we lost back in ’13…”)

7. “Because balloons are evil bastards.” — Sea Turtles, Dolphins, Sharks, Birds and Whales

6. It is impossible to escape balloons. They stalk your family, appearing at every department store, grocery store check-out lane and party. Pretty sure they follow you on Facebook, too. IT IS CREEPY.

5. People often believe they are doing you a huge f*cking favor if they give your child a balloon — and rarely ask for your permission first. “Uh, thanks for the inevitable tears, Miss Nordstrom Children’s Footwear Saleswoman. And those neon Crocs you’re pushing? NO.”

4. Have you ever driven with balloons in the backseat? Buh-bye, ability to see out the back window!

3. Although balloons seem innocent enough, they mock us with their ability to float off to wherever they want as soon as the kid makes a wrong move — something they know we can’t do. RUDE.

2. The only thing more depressing than a balloon that slips away…? Is a semi-deflated balloon that lingers in a vegetative state, refusing to let go, with no living will.

1. Deflated animal balloons can lead to unexpected anatomy lessons:

This happened to us at a place called “Giggles ‘N’ Hugs.” Indeed.