Candy Kirby
Halloween is a delightful American holiday that gives pumpkins a reason to exist, young ladies carte blanche to dress like streetwalkers and children an excuse to eat an obscene amount of candy. Fun! If you suspect your child has consumed too much candy, here are 10 tell-tale signs:
10. Your child looks like this:
9. Your child is out on the street corner, pimping out her Barbie for another hit of Snickers.
8. Your child learned the hard way that kids do not literally bounce off walls. (SPLAT)
7. The Hershey Company called your child to personally thank her for making this their best fourth quarter yet.
6. Your child can’t sit down without unbuttoning her OshKosh B’Gosh jeans, Al Bundy-style, first.
5. The rate at which your child is talking makes auctioneers sound like they have a slow drawl in comparison.
4. Your child’s diaper is full of rainbow-colored Skittles.
3. The next morning, her first words are: “I’M NEVER EATING CANDY AGAIN.” (Ha, haaaa!)
2. Sugarcane farmers are asking if they can harvest your kid’s sweat.
1. Even all the candy corn and Good & Plenties are gone.
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